Your time ahead will eventually be Worthy

When we buy a new gadget or upgrade to the next version, all we want to do is simplify the existing process. For instance, you upgrade from ordinary mobile phones to hand held PDA’s to simplify your work life. Advancement in any front is only to better the existing condition. But have you noticed how we have advanced from age 1 to where we are now but have not bettered our condition? In fact worsened it? I wonder how this could alone be contradicting with the Law of Nature!  From Standard 1 to Standard 10, we got better at Science; From PC’s to Laptops, we got better at computers; From some small village to a metropolitan, we bettered our life style; But from Birth to this point!!! God damn it, we have screwed up the whole system!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe analysing things from the smallest and commonest details possible to find solutions for a complex problem. So let me take a simple instance (rather silly (for now)), and try to extrapolate to find a solution for this contradiction.

I remember using Windows 98 in my class 6. That is when I actually knew what an OS was. When computer itself was a big fantasy back then, not so lucrative GUI and response time delays did not seem a factor at all. I was awe struck when I could type ABCD, draw circles, watch videos, listen to music and do all this exactly where I was sitting and in exactly one small box right in front of me!!! It was awesome! But sooner complaints started pouring in, all the other schools had something called Windows 2000 but we are still with the same old system. People who were earlier mesmerized by what this ’98 did were suddenly gobbing at it. Even I felt my school was way beyond in technology. As days went by, there was a sudden buzz around the school of OS being upgraded to Windows 2000. I feared my practical exams, as I have prepared well in the existing OS and the new one could prove a nightmare for me. A friend of mine who just joined me at class 10 did not seem to be too disturbed by this switch over. When I asked him he said, “I am going to see a computer for the first time in my life, so it does not make a big difference”. Gosh, the fact that I was exposed to computers is going to kill me!! And the fact that he was not is going to save him! It was very paradoxical. When I sat for my first practical hour in front of the Windows 2000, as the system was booting my heart was thumping as if the screen is going to throw a monster at me. To my surprise, it was same old login box, same old start button and the screens kept popping up which were so much familiar to me. Not to mention, yes it was a bit more colourful and I was able to handle things easier than I used to (Back then, did not understand that it was the improved user friendliness that let me do it). Just then the thought of this friend of mine sprouted out, I turned back and saw him being tutored by my teacher as to how things had to be done.

Might look a silly story, but let’s take the insights from it and see if it is still silly. Foremost, when we get to a higher position in life, if we had mastered our previous situations and have got ready for the advancement, we would not feel the transition so painful. When we are not ready to carry ourselves, if we marry and accept to carry another soul, then it is real problems. Next, appreciate what you have rather than mourning over it. All that is happening at the present is only for my good and I am learning each second through what I am doing. It is not always the big things that are important, smaller details might not weigh more, but matter most. Then, do not fear anything out of your premonitions. 99% of the time what you fear is the surest thing not to happen. For that 1% probability we lose 100% of ourselves and fail to enjoy the time in-between. Saying this, I recall this quote “Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and if does not happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.”

Before vying for any new improvements let us learn to enjoy the present and live it with an attitude of learning as much as we can. If the improvement we expect is not happening, it means we are not prepared, as much as we should we have, to accommodate the new level. Yes, we all want to become Managers as soon as possible and struggling for it, we are not living the grade we are at now; we are chasing it to reach there. When you become a manager, you will chase it for becoming the General Manager. Never can you live like that, but end up only wasting it on wanting to live, just as we chased our school life to get into a college as soon as possible. Touch your heart and see how much it longs for those dead and buried school days. We can never get back even a day of it; same applies to your day today. And when the improvement is finally happening, let us be confident enough to handle it, only the enjoyment of our previous experiences will give us that. Your time right now is worth living and so your time ahead will eventually be worthy.

And the most important lesson – No story is silly ;-) There is a lot to analyse, learn, retrospect and communicate; no matter what.

A Death that made me Smile

December 20^th, 11 p.m., a 99 year old heart stopped pumping blood at my home. My grandfather had expired. I was hearing BSB’s “Show me the meaning” and travelling to join my new work at Chennai, it was so pleasant outside, and then came my dad’s phone call which conveyed the news to me. I had a feeling of relief deep inside my heart and I smiled almost instantaneously on hearing his demise. Such was the stature of this man, whose death I was so eagerly expecting.

First let me see if you can believe this, at age 90, a man carrying two big bags of calendar rolls, walking at least 5 kilometres a day up and down the hill, meeting a minimum of 3 clients and procuring orders for printing calendars in their company name. Sounds astonishing? “No” is not even an option for this question. The most important fact here is that, with this business he can only make around a few thousands per year. He was not without money or anybody to take care of him; he had 4 children all in good standing in the society. Only one factor kept him going, the thirst to live with self-esteem and work until his body allowed him to. Yes, I am speaking of my grandfather, T.N. Rajagopal Pillai, whose life should be reflected upon to unveil the reason behind my happiness for his death.\

Like you would expect of a man born in the 1910’s, he was a patriot and a freedom fighter. But as you would not expect, he turned down the house and honorary award called ‘Thamarapattayam’ which was given for all freedom fighters of his age. His logic was simple, he said, ‘I did not sacrifice myself expecting any returns’. Mind you, he was not from a rich family background or had any wealth of his own after 30 years of life. Being a cruel follower of Gandhiji and Ahimsa, he extended these principles into his life apart from just the freedom struggle. Even on his death bed he was wearing kadhar dhoti and shirt, such was his dedication.

In the 1940’s, he was the sole supplier of gramophones and records for the entire Nilgiris district. Business was great and money was plentiful. But back at home, I remember my mom saying she was made to sleep with a wet cloth tied around her tummy in order to mitigate hunger. My grandpa would not bring a penny back, all his revenues went straight from the cash box to the ‘Hundiyal’ that was placed outside his shop for collecting freedom fighting fund. My mom would be so angry when she tells this, but still I saw a sense of pride in her eyes for making even her, a contributor, for a patriotic reason.

He was staying with us at our home after he lost his wife. Since then, until a few weeks back, he would do all his work himself. We had no problems from him, except for small advices when I and my brother used to play with our parents hitting them and running around. A slip in the bathroom cost his ribcage bone and made him bed ridden. And the rest of the story is a real mess. He could not even get up without our help, he had to be fed, cleaned and his excretions were to be disposed from the bed itself. To make matters worse, he threw himself from the cot and had his head injured. A blood clot in the brain took a toll on his memory making him lose and gain consciousness in quick successions. It also led to a one sided paralytic attack, which made him stutter and stammer rubbish details with no connections whatsoever. When he knew not what he was speaking all he spoke was about India, Gandhiji, Nehruji, His mom and his failure in personal life (meaning not looking after the family and not saving enough for his children)

I have not seen him live his life, all I noted above were only my mother’s knowledge about him that she told me. But from the time he was bed ridden until he got rid of his bed, I was with him and his deeds in times of involuntary being, made me live his life of 99 years in one single shot. All that we have deposited within us is what will be expelled when we are in such a state. You do not control your words, actions or deeds. He was 1000 steps more in all aspects than my mom has told about him before. He continuously kept weeping whenever the thought of his mom sprouted, tears were flowing whenever the thought of the nation came in and he had nothing else to speak other than this. I saw a true soul end his tenure on earth little by little. Nothing could have taught me so much. I mean the medium of instruction (his slow death), content (his entire life) and method of teaching (unconscious involuntary truth) were so invaluable and incomparable with any other mode of learning.

His last days were pure pain. Deprived of any movement, his mouth clasped close in, not allowing us to feed in food. He was not able to communicate his hunger or pain, except for few drops of tear every now and then. Standing by his side and watching him die of hunger will melt any hard heart down to the earth. Due to lack of movements, he got bed soars at his back which was bleeding constantly. Watching all these itself was unbearable pain, then how would it be bearing it? Does a 99 year old man who has sacrificed himself for the country and lived a righteous life deserve this? Will God be seeing all this and enjoying his pain? I really do not know the mystical reason behind this suffering. All that he did wrong was to maintain a healthy body that refused to give up life even under such enormous sufferings. If it were to be a weaker body, it would have dead and buried long before.\

The last week before his death, all I did was to pray for him to be taken away. Let his senses not sense the pain and his body not take this toil. It was with half heart that I started from home to join work, but within a few hours in bus, it was news of great relief, my grandfather’s death. That smile I mentioned I had was not for losing him but for he losing his pain. And God, if you are reading this, he deserved better, I won’t excuse you for the manner in which you took him away. If I ever have a chance, you will have it from me.

P.S: I just thought of sitting down, closing my eyes and let my fingers run on the keyboard. I wanted to register something about this man; I do not know if this post was informative, inspirational or even of any absolute purpose. But I wanted to write and I have. Whatever has come is all that I know. A tribute to the great man I have ever got to know personally.