A Death that made me Smile

December 20^th, 11 p.m., a 99 year old heart stopped pumping blood at my home. My grandfather had expired. I was hearing BSB’s “Show me the meaning” and travelling to join my new work at Chennai, it was so pleasant outside, and then came my dad’s phone call which conveyed the news to me. I had a feeling of relief deep inside my heart and I smiled almost instantaneously on hearing his demise. Such was the stature of this man, whose death I was so eagerly expecting.

First let me see if you can believe this, at age 90, a man carrying two big bags of calendar rolls, walking at least 5 kilometres a day up and down the hill, meeting a minimum of 3 clients and procuring orders for printing calendars in their company name. Sounds astonishing? “No” is not even an option for this question. The most important fact here is that, with this business he can only make around a few thousands per year. He was not without money or anybody to take care of him; he had 4 children all in good standing in the society. Only one factor kept him going, the thirst to live with self-esteem and work until his body allowed him to. Yes, I am speaking of my grandfather, T.N. Rajagopal Pillai, whose life should be reflected upon to unveil the reason behind my happiness for his death.\

Like you would expect of a man born in the 1910’s, he was a patriot and a freedom fighter. But as you would not expect, he turned down the house and honorary award called ‘Thamarapattayam’ which was given for all freedom fighters of his age. His logic was simple, he said, ‘I did not sacrifice myself expecting any returns’. Mind you, he was not from a rich family background or had any wealth of his own after 30 years of life. Being a cruel follower of Gandhiji and Ahimsa, he extended these principles into his life apart from just the freedom struggle. Even on his death bed he was wearing kadhar dhoti and shirt, such was his dedication.

In the 1940’s, he was the sole supplier of gramophones and records for the entire Nilgiris district. Business was great and money was plentiful. But back at home, I remember my mom saying she was made to sleep with a wet cloth tied around her tummy in order to mitigate hunger. My grandpa would not bring a penny back, all his revenues went straight from the cash box to the ‘Hundiyal’ that was placed outside his shop for collecting freedom fighting fund. My mom would be so angry when she tells this, but still I saw a sense of pride in her eyes for making even her, a contributor, for a patriotic reason.

He was staying with us at our home after he lost his wife. Since then, until a few weeks back, he would do all his work himself. We had no problems from him, except for small advices when I and my brother used to play with our parents hitting them and running around. A slip in the bathroom cost his ribcage bone and made him bed ridden. And the rest of the story is a real mess. He could not even get up without our help, he had to be fed, cleaned and his excretions were to be disposed from the bed itself. To make matters worse, he threw himself from the cot and had his head injured. A blood clot in the brain took a toll on his memory making him lose and gain consciousness in quick successions. It also led to a one sided paralytic attack, which made him stutter and stammer rubbish details with no connections whatsoever. When he knew not what he was speaking all he spoke was about India, Gandhiji, Nehruji, His mom and his failure in personal life (meaning not looking after the family and not saving enough for his children)

I have not seen him live his life, all I noted above were only my mother’s knowledge about him that she told me. But from the time he was bed ridden until he got rid of his bed, I was with him and his deeds in times of involuntary being, made me live his life of 99 years in one single shot. All that we have deposited within us is what will be expelled when we are in such a state. You do not control your words, actions or deeds. He was 1000 steps more in all aspects than my mom has told about him before. He continuously kept weeping whenever the thought of his mom sprouted, tears were flowing whenever the thought of the nation came in and he had nothing else to speak other than this. I saw a true soul end his tenure on earth little by little. Nothing could have taught me so much. I mean the medium of instruction (his slow death), content (his entire life) and method of teaching (unconscious involuntary truth) were so invaluable and incomparable with any other mode of learning.

His last days were pure pain. Deprived of any movement, his mouth clasped close in, not allowing us to feed in food. He was not able to communicate his hunger or pain, except for few drops of tear every now and then. Standing by his side and watching him die of hunger will melt any hard heart down to the earth. Due to lack of movements, he got bed soars at his back which was bleeding constantly. Watching all these itself was unbearable pain, then how would it be bearing it? Does a 99 year old man who has sacrificed himself for the country and lived a righteous life deserve this? Will God be seeing all this and enjoying his pain? I really do not know the mystical reason behind this suffering. All that he did wrong was to maintain a healthy body that refused to give up life even under such enormous sufferings. If it were to be a weaker body, it would have dead and buried long before.\

The last week before his death, all I did was to pray for him to be taken away. Let his senses not sense the pain and his body not take this toil. It was with half heart that I started from home to join work, but within a few hours in bus, it was news of great relief, my grandfather’s death. That smile I mentioned I had was not for losing him but for he losing his pain. And God, if you are reading this, he deserved better, I won’t excuse you for the manner in which you took him away. If I ever have a chance, you will have it from me.

P.S: I just thought of sitting down, closing my eyes and let my fingers run on the keyboard. I wanted to register something about this man; I do not know if this post was informative, inspirational or even of any absolute purpose. But I wanted to write and I have. Whatever has come is all that I know. A tribute to the great man I have ever got to know personally.